Billy Connolly & the Glasgow terrorist attack...

Good old Glasgow. If I had to pick a city in the world where I could depend on one of the locals to kick a man who was on fire, it would always be Glasgow. That really had to hurt - 90% burns and sore bollocks...

If we play this whole terrorism thing right, we could get al-Qaeda to blow up some of Scotland's eyesores. I think we should definitely start putting signs up round Shettleston's high flats that say 'Financial Quarter'...

People say it was lucky they didn't crash into a fuel container. I say it's lucky they didn't hit the queue coming out of Duty Free - the whole place would have gone up like Hiroshima...

The best bit is being told that hundreds of people were saved from being hideously burnt...these were Scottish people flying to Spain! They'll come back looking like they've been bungee jumping off the lip of a volcano!"